This post contains sexual assault/rape and abuse information so please warning.
Today is a shit day and I was triggered hard. This morning randomly my husband texted me and said that he finally had a conversation with his friend Adrian about an incident that happened two years ago during our enagament party where he got blacked out drunk and was almost drowning in the pool. Then when I was helping him to the car he started groping me and trying to grab my breast and feeling on me. He couldn’t even stand and we had two others helping carry him to the car. I kept using my left hand to stop him as I had my right arm around him to carry him. I immediately told my husband and my best friend. And the next day my husband messaged him about it and he just never responded back. Side note is that Some people have thought my best friend and I we sort of look a like and back then that’s what she said maybe he thought I was her because he was trying to get at her that night. So in all that time we kind of just let it go that he was just a lost friend. As him and my husband have been good friends for a while before hand and I had actually knew him before I met my husband. But my husband this year got Instagram [he used to have social media when we met but that’s a story for another day] and Adrian added him and I told my husband it would be nice if he brought it up to him and clear the air. That I would be able to accept that what happened was because he was blackout drunk and I just assume because I thought he was a really nice guy that he would apologize. Apparently my husband messaged him three months ago about what happened I had no idea until today. And Adrian proceeded to tell my husband well did you see it. Asking him over a few times as to say that unless he saw it personally why is he even bringing it up. And then also threw in there that he doesn’t want to talk to me. How convenient. My husband was furious and responded to him why is he still trying to deny it instead of just apologizing. Adrian replied with some dumb shit and my husband just blocked him because he didn’t wanna get into it with him. And then my husband messaged me to show me. And instantly I was triggered.
When I was 18 I was at a party with my best friend Nicole and we were at our friends Christians house but we were all friends they were three years older than us but we would all hang out with them because Nicole‘s boyfriend was best friends with them and I was best friends with her. They would buy us and everyone alcohol and we would all party together. One night at my friend Christian’s house we were all partying together basically chugging tequila which is what we would do. And there was this guy that took advantage of me as I was literally so wasted I could not stand I was sitting in the garage by myself and he came in and close the door and was groping me and try to make out with me as I was pushing him off of me. Maybe a couple minutes later my friends came in and everyone was really upset at this guy including Christians neighbor. Who made a point to stand by my side like he was protecting me and make sure that I was OK. The rest of the night was OK as people trickled out or fell asleep. And I was laying downstairs on the couch super drunk barely able to move falling asleep. At that time I thought everyone was asleep and everyone had left but then the front door opened and In came the neighbor. He didn’t waste time getting on top of me and kissing me and trying to take my pants off pulling my shirt up. I was so drunk that I could literally not push them off me I kept trying to call this guy Andy who was sleeping on the couch next to me to help me but my sounds weren’t loud as I was totally drunk. But he didn’t wake up. Because this guy was kind of skinny and he was on top of me he was trying to reach his hand into my pants to pull it down and I kept trying to grab them and also push him off and he kept trying to stick his dick in me. Lucky for me I guess I was on my period and I had a tampon in and he kept trying to shove his dick in me but it wouldn’t work because I had a tampon and I kept trying to push his face away from me. He basically gave up after about 15 minutes or so trying to have sex with me. And just got up from being on top of me and left. I was really drunk and really confused because this guy was helping me the whole night talking shit about the other guy who basically did the same shit. In the morning when I told my best friend what happened and her boyfriend and our other friends everyone kept saying what the neighbor he wouldn’t something like that. Telling me that I was just drunk and because I was hanging around with this guy all night that’s probably why he came back. Basically blaming me for this guy helping me like it was somehow my fault and that’s what I got. That was the first time that something like this happened to me and it was very clear to me that none of my friends had my back. It was very easy to go into that world where I was already depressed where I already didn’t want to live with the people around me that supposedly loved me like my mother didn’t take care of me and didn’t care what I went through. So as heartbroken that I was that it happened I pushed it to the side saying then ya I guess it was my fault.
It wasn’t very long after that maybe a year or less I moved out of the town I grew up in to a couple towns over and basically cut all those people out of my life. But then the same shit happen with my sons father. No one would believe the things that I went through with him. It’s so easy to say that oh he would never do something like that are you sure that that happened. No one believe the abuse that I suffered even when I was pregnant. This dude pushed me to the ground one night we were arguing after a party and he shoved me to the ground and kicked me hard in my back. Everyone knew him to be crazy and violent loving to fight especially while drunk. But didn’t believe it when it was with me. To this day I have a bulging disc because of him and he’s still never apologized for it. No matter how many times I’ve told him how badly it’s affected me even to this day.
I’ve had ex’s force me into sex that were bigger and stronger than me where I couldn’t fight them off I had to just let it happen because I was lead to believe being young and dumb that it was my job to do what they wanted. I’ve had ex’s try to kill me. One ex Ramon a few times got on top of me and was strangling me while I was crying and kicking to break free. He fractured two of my ribs on two separate occasions and even chucked a knife at me and took a metal baseball bat to our then apartment. When I called his friends for help to come get him so I wouldn’t have to call the police they didn’t believe me. They said that he would never do something like that which is bullshit he had a cocaine habit and he had bipolar disorder and was on bipolar medication. We were drink really heavily in that relationship and I would always be really upset when he would hide his cocaine use. Because it would change his personality and he would become violent with me I’d have to leave the house. Once when I did he cut himself and sent me pictures to try to get me to come back. I was terrified to leave him because he made me believe he would kill me.
I had my ex Jordan attack me severely because I found out he was cheating on me. He was the youngest of three kids with two older sisters and the way that he would treat me when things would get stressful was the way that he would treat his sisters growing up…. not letting them have space getting literally in their face if they tried to hide pulling their hair and also biting. He bit my arm so hard that I still have a scar there now. It was so huge my whole upper arm swelled and was bruised for a month and I had to pretend like nothing happened because I was living with his family. I eventually had to go the emergency room and they told me that it was so infected that they’re surprised that more didn’t happen to me. I had to lie to the ER with Jordan sitting right next to me that a kid in my family did it when it was him. His family even had to get him off of me once when he was on top of me and he wouldn’t get off of me and I was screaming for help. They knew he was young minded and acted as such. I had him slap me across the face out of nowhere.
I have attracted these types of relationships. All of them have been abusive in some form all of them have eventually become physical. My relationship now with my husband is the only one who has had respect for women and that’s probably because of his mother and the way that he was raised to respect and love women. I think it’s all my fault all the relationships in the past we’re all just me trying to relive the relationship with my mother. Taking the abuse and i’m thinking that it’s love. Thinking that’s what I deserved that I was just a nothing and a nobody and whatever someone was willing to give to me that’s what I deserved. Believing all these assholes that I was crazy for being emotional for being weak for having the nerve to call them all out on their bullshit. I didn’t know I had adhd I didn’t know about the BPD. The struggle and desire to hold on to anything even if it was nuclear bomb. Growing up my mom would get in my face she has strangled me she would be emotionally abusive so it’s no surprise to me that that’s the type of relationships that I got myself into and accept that “form” of “love”. To have put myself so low on the list of who to take care of because I learned very young that’s how you get love.
This situation of Adrian telling my husband well did you see it. Is exactly what has been said to me before when I was 18 my friends would say well if you were saying help then why didn’t Andy our friend who is sleeping on the couch next to you hear you. People would tell me wow I’ve never seen Michael act like that I can’t imagine him hitting a woman. Or I’ve never seen Jordan be mean to women. I’ve never seen Ramon be that way he’s normally so nice. I’m literally sitting here and I’m supposed to be working but I can’t. The state I have been in lately these last few months has been horrible and this just adds to that.
My heart hurts so much. I posted it on Facebook and only a couple people even responded. People can see me as however they’d like but I am crazy that I am a drama queen or whatever. I can’t make people see the truth. Or even reach out to me for it. Unless it’s happening to them or someone they love is their outrage. But someone with emotional problems with mental health issues is just pushed aside. It’s sad how many of us women don’t say shit about anything because when we do we’re not believed. Whether it’s sexual assault someone groping us, rape or abuse in a relationship.
Even texting my best friend about it now it’s more of her saying “well he probably doesn’t know what’s going on.” And “well he’s probably confused and that’s why he saying that… it’s OK just cut him out of your life you don’t need him.” Even though she said that she kind of remembers what happened that night. She doesn’t realize… like no one realizes how invalidating that is. How much it hurts for the world to not support you. To not say damn I’m sorry this is happening to you instead of making excuses for the guilty party.
I am lucky though that I have my husband and very happy that he has my back no matter what. Like he said I’m a very truthful person and he always believes me and it’s true. I may say the wrong things but I always say the truth. I may share things that people may deem as stuff I shouldn’t share online [which is actually why I started this blog]. I just needed a place that I could be open and honest. Without worrying about people not supporting me. Like if you come here to read what I post and you know me and you are judging me then f you. When I post a selfie and everyone fucking responds. I post a silly meme and people comment and respond but I post about something real and some things serious and I don’t get the kind of support that I should. I know everyone all of my family except my grandma and maybe my aunt maybe my sister and a few of my cousins might support me and comment like my grandma did. But essentially people see it and don’t want to be involved. It’s so easy people to pick and choose who to support who to call brave for sharing their stories and who to say that you know what you deserve this. Fuck that no woman deserves anything like this. I have never shared any of these stories publicly but you know what why should I feel ashamed? Why should I hide from my truth and feel I have to protect other people’s feelings. I’m done doing that now. For what outcome for the cost of my mental health? Fuck that. My whole body is in overdrive right now. I hope if any of this has happened to you that you have someone there for you to believe you and support you and if you don’t please let’s be friends. Let’s support those who are so unsupported.