Triggered

This post contains sexual assault/rape and abuse information so please warning.

Today is a shit day and I was triggered hard. This morning randomly my husband texted me and said that he finally had a conversation with his friend Adrian about an incident that happened two years ago during our enagament party where he got blacked out drunk and was almost drowning in the pool. Then when I was helping him to the car he started groping me and trying to grab my breast and feeling on me. He couldn’t even stand and we had two others helping carry him to the car. I kept using my left hand to stop him as I had my right arm around him to carry him. I immediately told my husband and my best friend. And the next day my husband messaged him about it and he just never responded back. Side note is that Some people have thought my best friend and I we sort of look a like and back then that’s what she said maybe he thought I was her because he was trying to get at her that night. So in all that time we kind of just let it go that he was just a lost friend. As him and my husband have been good friends for a while before hand and I had actually knew him before I met my husband. But my husband this year got Instagram [he used to have social media when we met but that’s a story for another day] and Adrian added him and I told my husband it would be nice if he brought it up to him and clear the air. That I would be able to accept that what happened was because he was blackout drunk and I just assume because I thought he was a really nice guy that he would apologize. Apparently my husband messaged him three months ago about what happened I had no idea until today. And Adrian proceeded to tell my husband well did you see it. Asking him over a few times as to say that unless he saw it personally why is he even bringing it up. And then also threw in there that he doesn’t want to talk to me. How convenient. My husband was furious and responded to him why is he still trying to deny it instead of just apologizing. Adrian replied with some dumb shit and my husband just blocked him because he didn’t wanna get into it with him. And then my husband messaged me to show me. And instantly I was triggered.

When I was 18 I was at a party with my best friend Nicole and we were at our friends Christians house but we were all friends they were three years older than us but we would all hang out with them because Nicole‘s boyfriend was best friends with them and I was best friends with her. They would buy us and everyone alcohol and we would all party together. One night at my friend Christian’s house we were all partying together basically chugging tequila which is what we would do. And there was this guy that took advantage of me as I was literally so wasted I could not stand I was sitting in the garage by myself and he came in and close the door and was groping me and try to make out with me as I was pushing him off of me. Maybe a couple minutes later my friends came in and everyone was really upset at this guy including Christians neighbor. Who made a point to stand by my side like he was protecting me and make sure that I was OK. The rest of the night was OK as people trickled out or fell asleep. And I was laying downstairs on the couch super drunk barely able to move falling asleep. At that time I thought everyone was asleep and everyone had left but then the front door opened and In came the neighbor. He didn’t waste time getting on top of me and kissing me and trying to take my pants off pulling my shirt up. I was so drunk that I could literally not push them off me I kept trying to call this guy Andy who was sleeping on the couch next to me to help me but my sounds weren’t loud as I was totally drunk. But he didn’t wake up. Because this guy was kind of skinny and he was on top of me he was trying to reach his hand into my pants to pull it down and I kept trying to grab them and also push him off and he kept trying to stick his dick in me. Lucky for me I guess I was on my period and I had a tampon in and he kept trying to shove his dick in me but it wouldn’t work because I had a tampon and I kept trying to push his face away from me. He basically gave up after about 15 minutes or so trying to have sex with me. And just got up from being on top of me and left. I was really drunk and really confused because this guy was helping me the whole night talking shit about the other guy who basically did the same shit. In the morning when I told my best friend what happened and her boyfriend and our other friends everyone kept saying what the neighbor he wouldn’t something like that. Telling me that I was just drunk and because I was hanging around with this guy all night that’s probably why he came back. Basically blaming me for this guy helping me like it was somehow my fault and that’s what I got. That was the first time that something like this happened to me and it was very clear to me that none of my friends had my back. It was very easy to go into that world where I was already depressed where I already didn’t want to live with the people around me that supposedly loved me like my mother didn’t take care of me and didn’t care what I went through. So as heartbroken that I was that it happened I pushed it to the side saying then ya I guess it was my fault.

It wasn’t very long after that maybe a year or less I moved out of the town I grew up in to a couple towns over and basically cut all those people out of my life. But then the same shit happen with my sons father. No one would believe the things that I went through with him. It’s so easy to say that oh he would never do something like that are you sure that that happened. No one believe the abuse that I suffered even when I was pregnant. This dude pushed me to the ground one night we were arguing after a party and he shoved me to the ground and kicked me hard in my back. Everyone knew him to be crazy and violent loving to fight especially while drunk. But didn’t believe it when it was with me. To this day I have a bulging disc because of him and he’s still never apologized for it. No matter how many times I’ve told him how badly it’s affected me even to this day.

I’ve had ex’s force me into sex that were bigger and stronger than me where I couldn’t fight them off I had to just let it happen because I was lead to believe being young and dumb that it was my job to do what they wanted. I’ve had ex’s try to kill me. One ex Ramon a few times got on top of me and was strangling me while I was crying and kicking to break free. He fractured two of my ribs on two separate occasions and even chucked a knife at me and took a metal baseball bat to our then apartment. When I called his friends for help to come get him so I wouldn’t have to call the police they didn’t believe me. They said that he would never do something like that which is bullshit he had a cocaine habit and he had bipolar disorder and was on bipolar medication. We were drink really heavily in that relationship and I would always be really upset when he would hide his cocaine use. Because it would change his personality and he would become violent with me I’d have to leave the house. Once when I did he cut himself and sent me pictures to try to get me to come back. I was terrified to leave him because he made me believe he would kill me.

I had my ex Jordan attack me severely because I found out he was cheating on me. He was the youngest of three kids with two older sisters and the way that he would treat me when things would get stressful was the way that he would treat his sisters growing up…. not letting them have space getting literally in their face if they tried to hide pulling their hair and also biting. He bit my arm so hard that I still have a scar there now. It was so huge my whole upper arm swelled and was bruised for a month and I had to pretend like nothing happened because I was living with his family. I eventually had to go the emergency room and they told me that it was so infected that they’re surprised that more didn’t happen to me. I had to lie to the ER with Jordan sitting right next to me that a kid in my family did it when it was him. His family even had to get him off of me once when he was on top of me and he wouldn’t get off of me and I was screaming for help. They knew he was young minded and acted as such. I had him slap me across the face out of nowhere.

I have attracted these types of relationships. All of them have been abusive in some form all of them have eventually become physical. My relationship now with my husband is the only one who has had respect for women and that’s probably because of his mother and the way that he was raised to respect and love women. I think it’s all my fault all the relationships in the past we’re all just me trying to relive the relationship with my mother. Taking the abuse and i’m thinking that it’s love. Thinking that’s what I deserved that I was just a nothing and a nobody and whatever someone was willing to give to me that’s what I deserved. Believing all these assholes that I was crazy for being emotional for being weak for having the nerve to call them all out on their bullshit. I didn’t know I had adhd I didn’t know about the BPD. The struggle and desire to hold on to anything even if it was nuclear bomb. Growing up my mom would get in my face she has strangled me she would be emotionally abusive so it’s no surprise to me that that’s the type of relationships that I got myself into and accept that “form” of “love”. To have put myself so low on the list of who to take care of because I learned very young that’s how you get love.

This situation of Adrian telling my husband well did you see it. Is exactly what has been said to me before when I was 18 my friends would say well if you were saying help then why didn’t Andy our friend who is sleeping on the couch next to you hear you. People would tell me wow I’ve never seen Michael act like that I can’t imagine him hitting a woman. Or I’ve never seen Jordan be mean to women. I’ve never seen Ramon be that way he’s normally so nice. I’m literally sitting here and I’m supposed to be working but I can’t. The state I have been in lately these last few months has been horrible and this just adds to that.

My heart hurts so much. I posted it on Facebook and only a couple people even responded. People can see me as however they’d like but I am crazy that I am a drama queen or whatever. I can’t make people see the truth. Or even reach out to me for it. Unless it’s happening to them or someone they love is their outrage. But someone with emotional problems with mental health issues is just pushed aside. It’s sad how many of us women don’t say shit about anything because when we do we’re not believed. Whether it’s sexual assault someone groping us, rape or abuse in a relationship.

Even texting my best friend about it now it’s more of her saying “well he probably doesn’t know what’s going on.” And “well he’s probably confused and that’s why he saying that… it’s OK just cut him out of your life you don’t need him.” Even though she said that she kind of remembers what happened that night. She doesn’t realize… like no one realizes how invalidating that is. How much it hurts for the world to not support you. To not say damn I’m sorry this is happening to you instead of making excuses for the guilty party.

I am lucky though that I have my husband and very happy that he has my back no matter what. Like he said I’m a very truthful person and he always believes me and it’s true. I may say the wrong things but I always say the truth. I may share things that people may deem as stuff I shouldn’t share online [which is actually why I started this blog]. I just needed a place that I could be open and honest. Without worrying about people not supporting me. Like if you come here to read what I post and you know me and you are judging me then f you. When I post a selfie and everyone fucking responds. I post a silly meme and people comment and respond but I post about something real and some things serious and I don’t get the kind of support that I should. I know everyone all of my family except my grandma and maybe my aunt maybe my sister and a few of my cousins might support me and comment like my grandma did. But essentially people see it and don’t want to be involved. It’s so easy people to pick and choose who to support who to call brave for sharing their stories and who to say that you know what you deserve this. Fuck that no woman deserves anything like this. I have never shared any of these stories publicly but you know what why should I feel ashamed? Why should I hide from my truth and feel I have to protect other people’s feelings. I’m done doing that now. For what outcome for the cost of my mental health? Fuck that. My whole body is in overdrive right now. I hope if any of this has happened to you that you have someone there for you to believe you and support you and if you don’t please let’s be friends. Let’s support those who are so unsupported.

Blast from the past

So I had this in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago and it still rings true today sadly. I sent it to my mom because in our last conversation she said “idk where all this is coming from” and I told her it’s never gone away. I sent her some links and quotes from an article about gaslighting and she just never responded back. Today I sent her this and told her that see even 5 years ago I was desperate for her motherly love. Desperate for that connection.

ATTENTION FRIENDS AND FAMILY: If your mother loves you openly, supports you emotionally or in other ways without any strings attached. If you can talk to her about things you are going through, go to her for advice. Count on her when you are feeling shitty, when you need LOVE. If she has ever said she was proud of you, or makes a point to show she’s proud of you with the good things you are doing in your life… if she thinks about you and even asks about your friends, if she genuinely cares about what’s going on in your life. If she knows you as a person and what you are striving to become and accomplish. If she actually cares and shows it even just a little or asks about your day, week whatever then please do me a favor and appreciate the SHIT out of her!!! Because if you can’t I would be more than happy to. You have no idea how lucky you are to have something so simple, something you think is a guarantee… a mother being motherly… you’d think your “mother” is supposed to be…. not all of us have that luxury =/ or that support….. If your mother hugs you appreciate that…. and hug her back and tell her you love her… and thank her for being amazing… please… because the sadness of not having that especially when you need it the most… thinking that as you get older it might happen… and then it doesn’t… is =/ well… shitty… so go now text or call her hug her if shes near! Appreciate her for being a mother to you! You don’t know how lucky you are…

When your mom isn’t motherly.

There’s too much to say about the relationship that I have with my mother. Unfortunately I truly believe that she has a narcissistic personality disorder and wouldn’t be surprised if she has ADHD as well. My brother was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and I was just recently diagnosed and we have different dads but the same mother. So… mama definitely has something going on. I think it would be too sad to think it’s just been all her all these years. Making these choices.

I think the biggest issue is that she does not acknowledge anything that has happened in the past. Whenever I try to have a conversation with her about anything serious she’ll either half pay attention or doesn’t acknowledge my feelings. I really believed that getting older would make things better but honestly I think because she’s not “responsible” for me she likes to keep our relationship superficial.

I’ve had a very volatile relationship especially growing up. A lot of really messed up unfair things happened in the way that she raised me and how she treated my two younger siblings so much better. And even as an adult it was the same. When I became pregnant at 20 she told me to have an abortion. When she threw my baby shower she said she was only doing it because she has too. It’s really difficult that she doesn’t see me when I am a spitting image of her and if she does then she certainly will not acknowledge it. Nor acknowledge anything that has happened.

Currently she is living with her boyfriend Richard along with my little brother who is now 17. Also in their house is her boyfriend’s daughter who is 27 and who punks my little brother by being a bitch to him, talking shit to him making his life hell. I get that 17-year-old boys can be super annoying but it does not justify an adult doing that to him. On top of that when my mom and him first met she was all mother daughter of the year with this girl. In front of my family and everyone thought it was weird. And not right because they all know how she really is with me. So last summer we took a family vacation to Hawaii and I straight out told my mom‘s boyfriend that I don’t think it’s right that he lets this happen. That didn’t go over well as you might imagine and he told me that it’s none of my business to tell him how to run his household. And up until now aside from the coronavirus situation I have not allowed in his house and when he sees me he ignores me like a child he’ll walk pass me won’t make eye contact with me and says hi to everyone else… when he’s over 50. Like who does that? And does he realize he just looks stupid. The conversation that happened in Hawaii I was not rude or cussing him out or yelling or anything. But it didn’t matter it’s like we’re in a comic book movie and he’s made me to be the villain. And maybe that makes it easier for my mom to keep her distance and say she wants to be close yet makes no effort. Even texting her a few days ago she was talking about getting her own place and I told her well it would be nice to be allowed to come over again. Her response? Oh it would be nice to have family parties again… I told her yeah why let one man ruin everything to which she replied it’s not just him. And so ensues the “I don’t know where this is coming from. I told her she treats our relationship like I am the grocery store clerk. Like how’s the weather how are you. Superficial shit. And no matter how much I send to her no matter the truth I have said. Even telling her before that if she died I wouldn’t know what to say at her funeral. [the reasons behind that thought is my cousins grandma passed and her services were beautiful and so personal. They shared so many stories in how whenever she needed help she could call granny. And I was sitting next to my sister weeping that the one thing I want most in this world seems unachievable]

And this isn’t the first time that my mom has chosen her boyfriends side over mine. After my parents [stepdad he raised me from 3+] originally broke up like six years ago my mom started dating this other guy who was really young and he started living at her house. And she would treat me like shit as though I was living in a military household but cater to him completely. She has rules in place no sleeping in past 9am. I wasn’t allowed to have the door to the little room I was sleeping in closed unless I was gong to sleep. Among other shit. And she let this fool sleep all day. Mind you I was working a full time job. And when I called her out on it she kicked me out of the house and called the police because I wouldn’t leave and then was SCREAMING into the phone that I was attacking her when I wasn’t. She literally called the police on me because I asked her why she treats him better. I was trying to grab the phone from her to hang up. I was scared to get arrests because she was screaming lies. I couldn’t believe it. I ended up being homeless for three months. And in that time she did not contact me at all to see where I was living which was in my car by the beach unfortunately. She never apologized to me for lying to my whole family that I hit her. She played the part so well. She does it and has always. Just like growing up. If my head hurt well my mom would chime in that she suffers from migraines. If I told her I was tired she would tell me she had to wake up early everyday and she couldn’t sleep. That was how it always was. She was and still is incapable of validating someone.

So you see it’s just too much. Not even the tip of the ice burg. I could make this entire blog about all of that shit between my mother and I. It’s just crazy the amount of shit that has happened in the entirety of my life and me constantly struggling to come to terms with this fact. It’s super depressing to have to accept that this is my mother and this motherly love that I so desperately crave is something that she is never going to show me. And that no matter what I do whether I’m successful or unsuccessful that our relationship is superficial. Le sigh. 😞

I just had a thought that maybe she likes how much I need her love and approval. And she knows she has the control over how much attention she gives me. Like any abuser they like to keep their victims weak minded. So they don’t end up saying fuck this I’m out. Maybe that’s what this intensive outpatient program will do. In talking with the program coordinator she asked me if I’ve ever been diagnosed with PTSD because I have symptoms of it. Being on edge grinding my teeth at night having nightmares. When I’m really stressed that’s normal. I was actually recently diagnosed with TMJ because of grinding my teeth at night because of the stress and anxiety that I feel. Honestly I think I need to just say fuck it and stop begging this woman just like I stopped in my past relationships. I can’t handle anymore of this disappointment and heartbreak. I said everything that I could possibly want to say for the first time in my life and she has chosen to stay silent. That’s all the answers I guess I’ll ever need.

Fireworks 😭

I don’t know if it’s because my anxiety has been so high the last few months but this is probably the worse I have felt in the 4th ever.

And it makes it worse that it is probably the loudest it has ever been around me. Normally I can handle it by distractions but this year it has left me even now on high alert. It’s usually so much easier to deal with when you are at a family bbq you can usually stay away from where they are happening. And the big Disney land type fireworks are in the distance miles away. But here all around me there are people doing these huge ass fireworks.

I tried smoking didn’t help. A movie nada. And blasting some Radiohead. I think for now there’s nothing I can do but wait until it dies down. lucky for my damn husband who is knocked out as usual such a lucky ass!!!

I hope all of your 4ths are going a lot better than mine. 😭

Glare & Emailing Boss Yay!

Well lucky me I need to wear reading glasses for real now and I just got them from the optometrist yesterday. So today while working I have had them on for about a few hours and jebus Christ this glare is killing me. I made the mistake I guess in not paying extra to add the anti-glare bullshit. And now I’ll have to wait until January lol to make better choices. I didn’t add it because I’m worried about money. And I’m not even in that bad of a spot. My husband is excellent with finances which is a life saver for me. So we actually have money set aside as a little savings and all our bills are paid on time. But now with this Intensive outpatient program i’m responsible for basically $51.60 a day and that’s my 20% coinsurance. So being required to do three days a week that’s a shit load of money. So the thought of spending money on anything even antiglare for an extra however much it was $23 just doesn’t seem worth it when I’m gonna have to pay so much to help myself. It’s pretty trippy though because if I wasn’t working I could easily go to a county hospital have county insurance and be able to immediately get help and now that I have a decent paying job with expensive decent insurance that the company pays for a percentage of I’m still having to pay a shitload of money just to get help it’s kind of crazy.

And today I finally emailed my boss and asked her to call me to discuss the situation. Although I told her that a doctor rate is requiring me to do classes three days a week it doesn’t seem right to say that I mentally suffering because unfortunately I’ve had that happen before getting mental help where I tell my manager that I am stressed and then they make me get okayed from a doctor to return to work it’s kind of stupid. It’s kind of like I’m super capable of suffering on the inside and pretending on the outside it’s what I’ve done my whole life LOL but clearly bosses don’t say that and so you have to kind of sugarcoat it to make it sound not as bad. But I did email her so I am having anxiety thinking about what she’s going to reply because if I can’t take the time off or modify my schedule to make up the time before after these classes then I’m kind of fucked. Because I need my job to be able to pay for the classes but I need the modified schedule in order to do the classes. Yay.

Any who life’s pretty exciting right guys….

Another day of sh*t

Well today I was waiting for the other office to call me back for information on their intensive outpatient program. And instead of speaking with someone who was kind and understanding of what I have been going through this lady was rude and dismissive. The first thing she said to me was that I was not able to meet the requirements of their program because I said on the voicemail I left that I had a 40 hour a week job. On top of that she said the program is almost all elderly people who have been suffering their wholes lives with mental illness. She also told me they would not help me find a psychiatrist because that was only for those who are already in the program and also she would not tell me the cost that it was up to my insurance. She after all this said she wanted it to be a “quick” phone call because she was a therapist and had a group waiting for her and that she would have someone else call me back. She was rude and short and so dismissive I could not believe it. Its bad enough I had to wait three days for anyone to call me back from that program as I had left voicemails for four different ladies. So I asked her what was the name of the person who was going to call me back and again she was rude saying that she couldn’t tell me and that she was going to hang up the phone now. I told her she already started off by assuming I didn’t have flexibility with my job. And then to be dismissive she then said that my attitude was not a great first impression when I was not even having an attitude with her I was on the verge of tears that someone in the professional community would be so damn rude. So I let it slip and said well you’re a bitch a hung up the phone. I shouldn’t have but goddamn it guys. Literally this should be some sort of TV show with the amount of hoops I have to jump through for services. FREAKING AMERICAN! needs to get its shit together.

Now I am just waiting of the one and only program within my area who seems to be able to help me to call me back with the details of the program so I can finally talk to my boss. I have an email already drafted. I am scared of what she may say or what may happen as I would have to be able to have a modified worked schedule in order to do this program. I am saying 2020 is the WTF of our lifetimes. Non stop BS.

Lucky Me

Welp. Today’s appointment I was so excited about with the new psychiatrist at the new office where they said they could help me told me he cannot. Well he didn’t tell me himself the receptionist called me to tell me. Told me I need Intensive outpatient program. She said that he reviewed my medical history which I actually provided them with everything I provided the office that diagnosed me with ADHD. Including filling out their online questionnaires. I told her why couldn’t he have just talk to me and told me that himself I don’t even know what intensive outpatient programs are. And in quickly doing a little research while I’m working of course LOL it seems like they are more geared towards people who have alcohol and drug addictions or eating disorders. Or at least that there are more places that offer the IOP‘s. I called one place and they told me I would have to do group therapy three days a week from 9 AM to 11:30 AM. Which is a bummer for many reasons the most important being that I work Monday through Friday from 7:30 AM until 4 PM. But also because I’ve never done group therapy and that makes me feel really uncomfortable LOL. I barely feel comfortable sharing my feelings with strangers. This doesn’t count growing up in the age of the internet it’s so much easier typing lol.

Not only is the timing bad but I would have to pay 20% of whatever the costs are and I have no idea the price. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed that yet again another “hoop” to jump through to get help. I’ve been having migraines almost everyday and it turns out I have been diagnosed with tmj because I grind my teeth at night because of all this stress. And lucky me I got confirmation from work today we’ll be working from home until at least next year. Which means I need to help myself because I cannot last like this. I don’t want to lose my job because I need to do this crap in order to get meds prescribed. I don’t know I’m pretty sure my mind is lost at the moment. Too much to consider too many possibilities and the fact it’s not simple and straight forward makes me crazy.

On another note Vegas was alright. I still haven’t decided if it was a good idea or not. I’d say about 40% of people were adhering to the law of wearing a face mask. Inside everyone was. And it wasn’t packed until the evening. We didn’t stay in any one place for very long. But we were in my sister in laws suite for her girls bday. And it was just our family maybe 20 people. Whom we’ve only been around. So who knows. Guess we’ll see what happens.

I need to win the lotto already.

Still Figuring this out

I’m still not 100% if this is the right place to share my feelings. Because really it’s mostly to get it out of my head. And the other it would be nice to inspire others.

As I was showering I had a thought if showering in low light/ dusk light is a “me” thing or a “we” thing. In this last week and half since confirming my suspicions I have been trying to each day learn more. I added myself to a few women’s adhd groups and some adhd meme groups. Also listening to podcasts and signed up for some newsletters. It’s like here you are with this thing and you don’t know anything about. Yet at the same time everything you do is through that lens. It’s an extension of it.

In reading different views on medication. Hearing different views. So it will be interesting to see what this psychiatrist thinks would be best. I am hoping they are kind and willing to explain things to be. I love information and I definitely makes a difference when a doctor actually cares. Kind of a weird thing isn’t. The doctors are kind and caring. The police aren’t always protecting. And the president is a looney, racist and rapist. This world is turning upside for a reason. Hopefully as it gets shook the fuck up the dust will settle and on the other side maybe some better way. Whatever that looks like I don’t know.

I’ve been having a headaches since I had that weird episode happened. I got an EEG today and have my appt with the neurologist tomorrow morning. So it’ll be interesting to see what they have to say. And thankfully an appointment with the ENT Friday. My ears are killing me. I don’t think this ear infection went away. Damn allergies and dust. It sucks living near a busy main big street.

No punctuation.

I finally found a psychiatrist office that will be able to help me I have an appointment on Monday thankfully. It’ll be interesting to see if they deem my case “complicated” or if that was just the wording chose by the last psychiatrist because he was too lazy to work with me and help me. And I told him straight out that he was being extremely dismissive and he just shrugged his shoulders. Doesn’t matter to him and I certainly didn’t.

It’s just such a trip to me that ass people who are practically begging for help are the ones that struggle the most trying to find it. But it doesn’t matter if you have insurance through your state because you don’t have any money or if you’re paying through your job and you have an HMO or you’re paying a lot of money through your job and you have a PPO. It just seems like the struggles and trying to find someone who will except your insurance and also accept the diagnosis’s that you have. In looking on reviews online this new place that I have an appointment with has a lot of people saying that they were able to be helped when no one else would. So fingers crossed it’s a great experience.

I’ve also been dealing with an ear infection which the eardrops have not helped and my PCP told me that I guess I need to see ENT. And I’ve been having sinus pressure and headaches. So that’s been fun LOL.

I’m really hoping to remember to write more in this “journal” and maybe be able to find and connect to others who are dealing with the same thing or who have already dealt with it and can provide insight and advice.

And I’m going to Vegas this weekend so that should be interesting it’s my husband‘s nieces 21st birthday and they’re not doing anything crazy although I guess it would be crazy to go to Vegas LOL but that’s where my husband’s brothers live so it’s not totally wild I am a little bit nervous about the mask situation and hopefully not being around too many people but my cousin just came from Vegas this past weekend and said that it’s not too bad so I guess we’ll see if anything it’ll just be hot as fuck LOL