Thankful

Sometimes it’s hard seeing people have things they didn’t work hard for AND have their family/kids. Especially when they judge your life and your situation with your son. They have absolutely NO idea what it’s been like to not have anyone help you like they’ve been helped. To have been in such a fucked up situation back then 2014ish living with your mother that one day — one argument over a blanket not being perfectly folded corner to corner — you couldn’t take it anymore — already feeling worthless — deep in a depression — after getting off of going to school which I was going full time AND work after which I was doing full time it wasn’t enough for her. She always had to complain to you about something you weren’t doing right — like having the door [to the computer room you slept on the floor in] closed before 8pm and anytime after 8am — she treated everyone else differently — her live in boyfriend — your siblings — only you had to abide by these authoritarian sometimes off the wall rules — just like growing up — and you end up having a mental breakdown and getting the cops called on you by her and then getting arrested sent to 51/50. Then in turn having to make one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever had to make having your son move in with his father full time so he could start school up there. Why? Because you became homeless living in your car by the marina because your mother was sick of you calling her out on her treatment of you — and lied to your whole family that you attacked her a time after that. Maybe one day they’ll actually open their eyes. Maybe not. Just because you see her differently — just because she treated you with kindness and love doesn’t mean I always got that side of her. You don’t know what it was like behind closed doors. Why can’t both be true? That she was wonderful/thoughtful/sweet to you — and a nazi narcissist to me? Regardless I’m thankful that as many times as I’ve been to rock bottom I’ve always managed to pull myself up by working my ass off instead of giving into my depression and killing myself. That no matter what has happened I’ve had the support of my sons father to always make sure my son is safe and that between him and I we are always on the same page. A bit jealous? Yeah lol a bit. I cry sometimes out of that jealously that I didn’t get to experience what 90% of you have with your kids/family… with my son… obviously the future is limitless as to what I can and will experience but the time from the past of us having been this way since he was 6 months old then him moving his schools. It was just a completely different life. It’s either that for people or you getting to experience your kids with their father together or having to bare it completely alone maybe one day finding someone to share that with maybe not. Regardless those are some situations I’ll never understand… shoes I’ll never walk in and lives I’ll never judge or pretend to know what it’s like. So why can’t I get that same respect instead of being judged silently behind my back… sometimes Loudly…. it hurts me… and I know I shouldn’t give a fuck what people think… but still… I feel like family should support each other more than that…. wishful thinking I suppose. When all is said and done all I can do is pour out my love to those who are my family chosen or not. And know in my heart that I’m not a bad person even if they don’t understand or even care to know. It’s like they think I am looking for something from them that requires work. No… I am looking for understanding…. I am looking for acceptance not a fucking award and certainly not anyone’s sympathy nor is it to create drama. Look….This is my life — these are my very true and very real life experiences— it’s what has made me who I am today. All I can do is look past my bit of jealousy, frustrations and focus on being thankful for those who do understand and who know the truth. As I am… truly so fucking thankful for them.

Positive Things

On the road to mental equanimity you will come across some who you wish desperately would support you in your journey but instead doubt your traumas and question your truth. They may even label it as “attention seeking” which couldn’t be further from the truth. It may hurt your heart more than you could ever anticipate. But you have to realize whether they stand by you or not that you have every right to speak your truth. And you have to go where the warmth is, surround yourself with those who are really there to support your cause of mental freedom from the past. And still through it all send love to the doubters. Because maybe they can’t believe you because it would mean their lives were a lie. Or they can’t look in the mirror themselves and accept their truth. Or maybe they can’t come to terms with their own darkness. Either way this is just another hurdle to get over on this journey. Accepting the loss of what may never be and doing your best to move forward without their acknowledgment or support. Just don’t let that discourage you. Don’t let it stop you from speaking up about your experiences because it’s YOUR life and only YOU know what is best. Only YOU know what it is you need to move on to become the best version of yourself. Acceptance is key even if it may break your heart a bit more in the process. You are on the right track and all you can do is hold space in your heart for those who choose to for whatever the reason ignore you, doubt you and question your very real experiences. I am far from being fake and far from wanting sympathy for my past. I speak my truth because it’s just that MINE. I do this for myself and if maybe I inspire someone else to do the same then that’s amazing. But at the end of the day I know I am speaking truthfully. I know I am being real and I know deep in my heart it’s up to ME to set myself free. 💚

Alright alright alright

Life’s been treating me kind lately. Thankfully!

Going on a nice week vacation next week to Utah can’t wait! My first time there. It’ll give me a chance to use my camera. Yay.

Push out the bad inhale the great!

Great things are in the works my friends.

Professional Hoop Jumper

Well I finished my IOP program but not without a bit of drama lol. Lucky me I had the psychiatrist from the program YELL at me. It was during our weekly medication review when I told him look I’ve been taking this Wellbutrin for a few months now and it has not helped my ADHD symptoms at all. And I have been on the “highest” dose for the last 4 weeks. He then proceeded to tell me how he doesn’t prescribe controlled substances and how you need a diagnosis to even get prescribed meds. I reminded him that he had told me in the beginning of the program when I came to him for help with not only my depression symptoms but my ADHD symptoms which were and have been affecting my work. But he kept talking over me and I told him I already gave them my psychological evaluation and he’s like well why didn’t she give you meds. And i said well because she’s not a psychiatrist. Long story short the whole video meeting lasted 20 mins. He ended up calling a social worker in the room with him and even she has to literally hold him back from yelling at me and asking him to calm down. This psychiatrist wouldn’t admit that he told me he was treating my ADHD and that’s why he prescribed me Wellbutrin. When the zoom ended I burst into tears. I was so totally defeated and didn’t appreciate this doctor making me out to seem like I was a damn drug addict who was trying to get drugs. I was overwhelmed because I had actually looked up YouTube videos and articles about how to talk to your doctor about asking for ADHD meds because I know it was going to be difficult. But that experience really fucked me up. And honestly made me have the decision to discharge from the program instead of asking for an extension.

Now on the flip side of things the office in which I will be receiving my regular psychiatrist and therapist appointments actually specialize in ADHD. So for that I am super happy. Because I am really struggling with work to pay attention and keep my focus on work. Just like right now I am writing this post while also semi working. And also having a conversation with my husband. Oh Jesus as I am writing this I just got a call from the new psychiatrist office. And I guess my appointment that was supposed to be for today is cancelled and I am rescheduled with the nurse practitioner instead. The office manager said this nurse practitioner can prescribe me adhd meds and also filled out my form I need for my long breaks. I don’t know why but that made me feel stressed. I have been looking forward to this appointment today so now I feel a bit worried that this isn’t going to go as planned. But I will do my best to be positive about it. The office manager said this nurse practitioner has all the same authority as the psychiatrist so I don’t know guys. I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow now. Meh. I guess I’m a freakin professional hoop jumper. Lol

Monday

I don’t even know. There’s a lot going on right now. I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I feel like there’s so much to say but no way to say it. It’s crazy. I’m not looking forward having to move but look forward to the bigger space. I’m overwhelmed by the idea that reorganizing the space will be on me. Kitchen/bathroom/living room/ bedroom. Cabinets still have to be repainted. Things have to be acquired for the new apartment. I’m doing my best to handle it but fuck it’s really got to me today. We don’t even know if our couch is going to fit. And if it doesn’t then that’s one more thing we will have to buy. We already need curtains and curtain rods which just that will be easily $200. I’m really hoping this new job works out for my husband. His cousin is trying to help him get into this company making significantly more money than he does now. It would be perfect for so many reasons. But we shall see.

Spoiled Anxiety

Idk why I even care why I feel the way I do right now because my anxiety has been horrible all day today. In this very moment I am trying hard to keep it together because I have a meeting with my bosses to go over my schedule accommodations as it was finally approved. It’s just a bummer with that I’ll have to make up the time only after my regular scheduled time. Usually I work 7:30-4pm and my classes were for 3 hours on 3 days of the week. And I wanted to make up the time by starting my work day at 6am but my boss said yesterday I can’t do that because I’m only allowed to start at my regular time and make up the time after. Which sucks because now I’ll be working until either 6:30 or 7pm! So I am not looking forward to that but we shall see what happens in this meeting. I’m having horrible anxiety over it because I don’t know if it’ll just be able that or other things too like my production or whatever.

So the situation that I shouldn’t care about but unfortunately do at the moment is apparently my mother “gave” my niece and nephew a phone and supposedly my sister is going to be paying for it. I got a text earlier supposedly from my niece but honestly I bet more than anything it was my mother pretending to be her. Because when I asked “my niece” who got the phone for her she said grandma and I texted back tell her Damien needs one too. And I got a reply that said “It’s grandma phone she let us use but my moms bill” which is strange. My niece is very smart and I’m sure can text fine. She’s going into second grade but honestly I bet it was my mother. My mother used to do that with my little brothers phone when he first got it. And honestly it’s just another thing to add to the list of how she treats them better than my son. It’s not their fault and honestly they deserve it. It would just be nice if my mother wanted to spend time with my son. If she made a point to spend time with him like she does my niece and nephew. And what’s her excuse that he lives far. As though I couldn’t go pick him up to be able to spend time with his cousins and her. Even before covid this was the case

Idk my heart hurts quite literally. My chest feels like the heaviest weight and my eyes want to cry. I’m doing my best to distract myself with anything as to not let it bring me down further. Today was rough. My husband wasn’t feeling good today and was having a bad morning feeling his own darkness. It scares me in the sense that I just fear and am terrified one day he’ll succumb to his own darkness. I just think it’s a lot of things that have got me feeling this way. And it’s a shame things aren’t normal so I could go out and distract myself with loud music and friends. Feeling what I do is very lonely and hard.

The great gig in the sky

I’m feeling a lot of things right now. Today my best friend texted me that her little brother died unexpectedly and they won’t know how until the autopsy. He was in his early 20s. And his older brother found him. I wish I could take their pain away. This is not how things should happen.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Mike who died almost 6 years ago. He died of a heroin overdose. It has been one death that has effected me the most and the one I feel most connected to. I’ve had a lot of trippy experiences with him since he’s passed as weird as that may sound. I believe he saved me a few times. One being when I ran out of gas on the freeway in the fast lane during rush hour traffic and managed to make it off the exit and into a gas station coastin. His picture was at the time supposed to be where my gas gages were but when I got to the gas station it was missing. I was frantically looking for it but couldn’t find it and ended up giving up. A few days later my friend Rani found it under my passenger seat which is trippy for a couple of reasons. One being well that he was there with me in my passenger seat and also because when he was alive I would always beg him to play that song by the deftones. I had my first dream about him last week. He was a light being in my dream which is what I believe that he passed on to be. I just wish I could communicate with him. I wish I could remember my dream. I feel like there’s probably no one who really understands how I specifically feel. We had a deep connection and the time we did spend together whether partyin or just chilling was something else.

I don’t know what to think or believe my mind has been racing all day. And I just wish I knew how to help myself. It doesn’t help that I stopped smoking for that possible job that I want to try to get into. It’s been 5 Days. And so today after work I just decided to have a y’all can of truly. And it did help me for a bit to be able to sit in silence. Although my mind hasn’t stop racing. It’s times like these I really miss being able to go out somewhere as a distraction.

Sisters birthday sadness.

Today’s my sisters birthday and I am feeling a lot of emotions right now. I can’t sleep as usual since it’s the weekend and I don’t usually take my sleeping pill. I was going through my photos to pick some out to make a post for her birthday and I came across this picture from her sweet 16. It’s of my parents feeding her cake and I am standing behind her laughing. It’s just trippy to me because I remember that night differently than how the picture shows. But also the picture made me really sad for the simple fact of how my childhood was.

First of all the fact of the matter is that my sister was treated better. Even if she wasn’t treated like royalty [she has recently stated to me she wasn’t treated that great] but I think what her memory is from her being in Jr high school and high school and not the memories of being a kid. When we were kids my parents would let her bully me and almost sometimes encourage it. If I ever cried from her hitting me I would get yelled at because “she was smaller than me” “I was older” “I needed to stop being a cry baby”. And unfortunately she was pretty brutal to me and eventually over time as I got older into high school and she was in JR high our fights became much worse. By all accounts she was pretty evil to me growing up. I would not only be getting the treatment from my parents but also from her. I felt like the black sheep. And on top of them all treating me this way. They would baby her or have rules that only I had to follow. Things like having to finish everything on my plate or from a fast food or restaurant meal. Even if it meant me crying and throwing up while eating. She didn’t have those rules. I would have to help my dad with the yard work and he would sometimes treat me as though my only job was to work. But with her she wasn’t made to do chores growing up. Our age difference is only 4 years but apparently that’s enough of a difference where we didn’t have to follow the same rules. When I was in JR high school as I have previously wrote I wasn’t allowed to shave or wear make up and going into high school there were strict rules I had to follow. When it came to her she did whatever she wanted. She wore makeup and did things very early much earlier than I was ever allowed to. There was so much. With my dad treating her better. And then her and my mom becoming close for awhile.

It’s so heartbreaking to me that she doesn’t see it that way. And if she does she hasn’t ever expressed that to me. She looks back and sees me as the bully. She doesn’t see how my parents treated her better. And when I want to talk about the past she comes at me with well I’m dealing with my own shit I don’t have time to deal with anyone else’s. I don’t know it kinda hurts me in a way. Because what I am asking her to talk to me about isn’t my problems it’s about the past. It’s about the things that happened that she was there for. The constant fighting. Fuck man I feel so fucking sad right now. I haven’t felt this depression creep in the way it has tonight. And to make matters worse is that my cousin is throwing a drive by birthday thing for her. And of course that’s nice of my cousin but now I am in a way forced into this situation of feeling really heartbroken but having to cover it up for awhile. It sucks because I feel like she really doesn’t understand me. Or understand who I am as a person. It has always felt like I have been judged even just a bit because of my son not living with me. I feel like the divide that is between us or had been is caused by the riff that my mother created.

I’m just feeling really fucking emotional right now. And I want to not care. I want to be over the fact that not my mother, my dad nor my sister want to talk about what happened in the past. My mother has straight out told me that why can’t I just move on and stop talking about the past. And then lied to me that she already apologized. I’ve been in this weird headspace [like that’s anything new] and I just feel like I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t like feeling jealous of how even now she and her kids get better treatment from both my parents than I do or my son. And it’s always excuses why that is the case. But it’s been that way since he was born. Neither of them supported me having my son and I was 21 working and not living at home. But with my sister they encouraged her when she was still living at home. Not only to have one kid but another. And have taken care of her since. 3 years ago when I was living with my mother again she told me I’d have to go live with my dad because she was going to sell her house. And then a month into living with my dad he told me I couldn’t live with him even though I offered to pay him rent while I searched for a room. He gave me a time limit and said he didn’t want any “extra people living with him” and I was so stressed out during that time not knowing where I was gonna go. And yet that same year after I moved out my sister and her kids moved in and have been living with him since. My parents have got on my case when I was living with them to get a better job to take care of myself and my son it seemed like no mater what I did it was never enough. Yet my sister has had one full time job and this was 12 years ago when I was pregnant and I got her the job at this cafe I was working at. She went to school for massage therapy and my parents paid for it! They never paid for my school. When she had her kids because their father douche bag left. My mother spoiled the kids. Bought them everything in excess. But with my son he was treated differently. And non of this she sees. And it just hurts my heart. I’m feeling a lot of shit right now. And at the same time I feel super guilty about feeling this way.

I wonder if it’ll always be this way or maybe one day she will see. I don’t fucking know.

Damaged Goods

I just read an article from psychology today titled four ways parents can damage their children’s self-esteem. The four examples are yelling and hitting, dwelling on past conflicts, injecting guilt and speaking with sarcasm. It’s really nice when an article so shortly can put your entire childhood in a nutshell and explain why you feel so shitty about yourself all the time.

It’s crazy how the article says that when you dwell on past conflicts it teaches the children to hold grudges for a long time. And that they would be more likely to repeat the past mistakes. That’s absolutely insane because I definitely hold grudges. I definitely find it impossible to forgive people. I literally don’t know how to forget it. And that’s trippy because that’s exactly how I grew up that it didn’t matter how big or small the mistake was that you made you will be reminded of it every time you make another mistake. And those mistakes will be piled on top of each other for your life as proof that you’re a shitty person or that you’re a liar or that you’re stupid or incapable of being better. No wonder I felt depressed and defective. Even to this day whenever I make any mistake I beat myself up over it. And when people around me make mistakes big ones it’s impossible for me to forget and for some if there are too many I write them off as bad which for some they definitely are. I knew how I was raised has effected me but to this degree no I have not put those pieces together.

The yelling is another one mentioned in the article, yelling and hitting. I can say the yelling was constant. It says in the article “When you yell and hit, you show poor impulse control delivered through a temper tantrum with the goal of disempowering your child.” I think for a very long time probably up until high school my mom and dad yelling most definitely disarmed me. And her “temper tantrums” of kicking my dad out and them yelling back and forth made our home environment a volatile one. And not only yelling at him but yelling at me. Especially if mistakes were made. She would scream her head off until she was red in the face. And as I got older she would get in my face to try and intimate me by throwing me up against walls or getting in my face. As I got older I would yell back and we would have screaming matches because I was no longer afraid of her. It also says in the article “Yelling and hitting from parents interferes with your child being able to have a constructive conversation to problem-solve, work through conflicts, and build self-esteem.” And this makes a lot of sense to me as well. Goes along with if you made a mistake even something simple or if you forgot to do something you’d get screamed at. Every time. Be made to feel like you are so stupid because if you weren’t stupid you wouldn’t forget things. You’d remember what was asked of you no matter what. Or you’d remember how to do something the first time it was shown to you. Obviously as an adult now this are outrageous expectations but growing up you don’t know any better and you believe that they were right. That you are nothing more than a stupid dumb kid who will never amount to anything because you walked past a piece of trash and because you actually weren’t looking down you didn’t see it. But god forbid you’d say that to them “I didn’t see it” and you’d be made to feel like a fool like how could you not see it. Made to feel faulty. No wonder I was suicidal. No wonder I felt like I wasn’t ever good enough.

The other one in the article is injecting guilt. The article states “ Too often, however, parents push this to the limit and try to make their children feel guilty because of their thoughts, feelings, or actions. Parents who use guilt to control their children run the risk of alienating them.” I think my parents were masters of this technique. Like I have said in my previous posts it was all about them if something was wrong with me whether I had a cough, headache or was tired, stressed or sad it would be diminished with at first being blamed I was too young to have these feelings and then my mom comparing herself to me. No matter if I was 10,16 or 26. My mother would make sure that I knew her suffering was much worse. “Look at what she was sacrificing for us kids.” Even though we didn’t ask her to. Because she couldn’t sleep it didn’t matter I was dealing with the same issues. Because she was always tired and stressed my feelings didn’t matter. It was constantly her telling me to put myself in her shoes. Even with my dad he would tell me things like if she died how it would be my fault. If my mom kicked him out it would be because I did something wrong which upset her and caused her to kick him out. They were both masters at blaming me for everything. I used to joke in jr high to my friends that the world could end and my parents would find a way to blame me. I was their scapegoat when they weren’t throwing bombs at each other. And hell yeah I felt alienated and alone. When I was younger I hated myself it’s why I started self harming because I was tired of being treated this way and I always felt like I deserved the pain. It’s like I knew in my heart I wasn’t deserving of this treatment but I couldn’t stop it from happening so it must be true. It didn’t matter that I knew what was going on or that I tried to reason with them I would get yelled at for talking back or questioning them. Even though I had valid points and reasons I was ALWAYS shut down. It makes a lot of sense how even now I doubt myself how even now I feel like when bad things happen not only is it my fault but it’s what I deserve. Even now I don’t feel like my suffering is worthy of being noted because there is someone out there suffering worse than I am. How I don’t feel like my feelings and thoughts are valid. How I don’t even want to speak up about certain things because I feel like I am bothering people. The guilt that is deep inside me is the guilt that I have felt for even being born. For being such an inconvenience to my parents to have caused them such horrible lives that I wasn’t “normal”. When in reality I had undiagnosed ADHD and C-PTSD/ BPD. No wonder I felt like the black sheep. No wonder I still to this day do not feel worthy and good enough for this life.

And the last one speaking with sarcasm. The article states “An example would be saying something like, “Oh, aren’t you bright,” when your child makes a poor choice. The use of sarcasm hurts children because it feels shaming. Putting a child down through sarcasm creates an obstacle for parents trying to communicate effectively with their children.” I think the use of sarcasm was their language. It was how they talked to us. Especially my dad. A lot of the things that happened were basically made to seem natural and right because of their use of sarcasm. Like they are smarter because they were the adults and I was just a stupid kid who never cared enough. It didn’t matter that I was trying hard to constantly please them to say and do the right thing it was never the positives that were celebrated it was the negative shit that had the spotlight on it. And maybe it’s why when I am in a bad mood or something negative is happening I am an expert at being sarcastic. And I feel it in my bones. When that’s NOT the way to treat people you love and care about. It’s really frustrating seeing and making these connections with who I feel I am to my core and then slowly discovering that who I thought I was is actually build on unstable foundation.

There has been a lot in me looking back at the past in how my parents treated me and what they thought was normal only for me to later realize it’s not that it’s fucked up. Growing up I was extremely jumpy and was scared easily but for them it was entertainment. When I was in JR HS they thought it would be so hilarious as I was showering for my mom to put a Halloween werewolf mask on her hand and stick in in the shower. In that exact moment I was rinsing the soap out of my hair and when I opened my eyes I saw the mask and I was beyond startled and was screaming at the top of my lungs and felt like I was going to die. While that was happening my mom started to hysterically laugh and then leave the bathroom to go out and laugh more with my dad. That incident has forever traumatized me where even now while showering if my eyes are closed I get this rush of anxiety that I am going to open my eyes and see a face in front of me. When I was in high school they thought it would be funny to stuff a sweat suit with a hoodie full of paper and sit it on the couch. So when I got home from working I would see the “figure” sitting on the couch. I was terrified genuinely. They thought it was the most hilarious thing that they “got me” when I called them crying from the sidewalk scared shitless to go inside. When I got mad at them for any of these things they would just yell at me for being a baby. “Grow up it was just a joke.” Instead of helping me overcome it they made it worse for their entertainment.

So many memories and most of them bad. How could I not remember these horrible memories when I was literally conditioned as a child to not forget the “mistakes” and the bad shit. I have a memory when I was in elementary school and I was crying because I was so thirsty and I just wanted a drink of my mom/ dads drink. And I guess me begging pissed them off so they put a bottle of hot sauce inside and gave it to me to drink. I look at my niece and nephew in elementary and I couldn’t even imagine thinking something like that would be funny. If a kid says they are thirsty you give them water. But that’s how it always was. If my mom had something it was HERS and HERS alone. She would share with my sister sometimes but with me how dare I ever even ask for her to share or if I could have some of whatever it was she had. Because it was “all she had” because SHE [my mother] was special not me.

It seems as I look back my only job was the keep her happy to work and do chores to not ask questions or get upset when I was wronged. That my feelings and emotions never mattered because SHE was the adult. Whatever she was feeling it was to cater to her. It’s why I describe growing up as though I was in the military. Showing emotions or questioning your authority was punishable. It’s no wonder I felt like my life didn’t matter and why I really convinced myself that killing me would be better. Because then I wouldn’t be alive to cause them so many problems. I mean honestly how fucked up is it that growing up your mother would laugh at you and mock you when you were at your weakest. When I was in 6th grade I begged for a haircut and she didn’t want to pay for me to go out and get one so she did it herself. She cut it super choppy and short like a boy and when I cried that she fucked up my hair [which to this day I felt like was on purpose] she laughed like it was the most hilarious thing she had done it didn’t matter that I felt ugly or that my feelings were hurt. She was entertained and then told me well next time don’t ask me to cut it. Also later that year when I got my period at school and had to go to the nurses office to lie to get sent home. She laughed at me for having blood all over my pants and when I got a little on her seat from the drive home she was dry heaving and upset at me for it. Like I was the grossest person on the planet. She didn’t talk to me about it or prepare me for it. She didn’t give me supplies for my backpack Incase it happened at school. No. And when I got home she handed me the box of tampons and told me to just stick it up there. That’s it. No explanation of what is what. No help or guidance that it was going to hurt. Nothing. And when I was in pain after putting it in she told me to get over it that everyone had their period that it couldn’t hurt that bad. It’s no wonder even to this day I am grossed out by myself and that natural part of being a women. Thank god for birth control. Also in JR hs I was made fun of a lot because of my facial hair and I begged her to let me remove it but she instead used her bleaching cream to bleach it making it white and orange and when we took the cream off my side burns and facial hair was discolored and obvious and instead of trying to help me with it she laughed hysterically at my misfortune. It didn’t matter to her that I would be made fun of or that I was embarrassed. It was a “unspoken lesson” that’s what I get for asking for what I want. But it’s just things like this. That she can’t have a conversation with me about. She can’t explain to me her mentality or reasoning behind it. That’s not the way a mother is supposed to treat her daughter. That’s not the way you support her in growing up to become a woman. It makes me feel very depressed even now to know what could have been and was not. That I had a biological father that wanted nothing to do with me. And a mother who wasn’t letting me grow up to become successful. That it was my job to know everything and what to do in all situations without being taught. How in the fuck did she expect me to be successful when I didn’t have a single bone in my body that believed in myself. Because her and my dad made it clear what they thought of me. That I was just a bad seed.

And now as an adult it’s really frustrating. Trying to have a conversation woman to woman. Giving her all these examples of the past. Giving her links to this blog. Telling her how I feel and felt. Desperate for an explanation or an apology like hey you know what yes that did happen and I am sorry. I literally can’t even get her to acknowledge ANYTHING from the past. It’s really frustrating. She obviously wouldn’t treat my niece like that so why can’t see admit how she treated me. Why can’t she be a grown up and just validate my experiences. And see that she had these high ass expectations that were unattainable because of the fear and anxiety and low self esteem she instilled in me from a very early age. What I would give to have that validation. If I died today I would hope she would admit it out loud. And she would put that out into the universe. Hey we’re all humans we all make mistakes but it’s what we do after that matters. Honestly I think it’s just wishful thinking that I’ll ever get that validation but it doesn’t mean I won’t stop trying. 🙁